Michael Bay destroys yet another childhood memory: TMNT

Published - - Posted in Opinion

Destroyer of childhood dreams or as he’s commonly known: Michael Bay, is at it again in his quest to destroy the childhood memories that so many hold dear.

After successfully sodomising the Transformers series, Bay has his sights set on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise. There is no doubt in my mind he is going to make at least three of these movies.

If you haven’t seen the trailer for the upcoming movie yet, watch it out and then see if your questions align with mine. I’ll wait right here, maybe make a tea while you watch.

After watching the trailer for the new TMNT movie I have some questions:

  • Why are they so big?
  • Why do they look fucked up? I get they’re mutant turtles, but I don’t remember them looking so fucked up and scary.
  • Why do they look like they’ve been consuming protein powder drinks and chunks of steak instead of pizza? They’re meant to be teenagers, not roid raging Lance Armstrong clones.
  • WHERE IS THE PIZZA!? Seriously, I didn’t see any pizza eating in the trailer whatsoever.
  • Why are they so serious? In the original TMNT series they were playful, funny and immature. Seems like Bay has stripped away the very thing that made the series so good: it was fun.
  • Why is Michael Bay a sadistic sexual predator with a penchant for casting slutty lead actors, namely Megan Fox? Nobody cares about Megan Fox. More importantly, why does Fox have dark hair? The original April character had orange hair.
  • Why don’t we see the turtles eating pizza in the trailer? Have I already asked this, do they still eat pizza? Where is the pizza you monster?

I will see this movie and I will demand a full refund plus interest if it sucks.