10 Things We Can Look Forward Too Under A Tony Abbott Led Government

Published - - Posted in Opinion

It’s looking like the alcohol fuelled Centrelink dwelling Tony Abbott fan-club is going to put Abbott into power thus sending Australia back in time. Tony Abbott is a time machine, a time machine that wants us all to go back to simple times.

Here are some things we can all look forward too if Tony Abbott becomes prime minister.

1. Rampant Misogyny — Soon men will never have to fear reprisal or consequence when making misogynistic jokes in the workplace, in public or in positions of power. Under an Abbott led Government not only will they stop the boats, but making sexist remarks to your co-workers will be allowed.

2. Gay People Shipped Away On Boats — Tony Abbott is religious family man. Expect all gay people to be rounded up and shipped off to New Zealand. Abbott is a firm believer in his mantra, “If they want to get married so much, we’ll just send them to New Zealand.”

3. Copper Magic — Not as magic as it sounds. The coalitions plan for a fibre/copper network dubbed “copper magic” will send us back into the stone age. Except blistering average speeds of 250kbs. That means it should only take 3 hours to download an episode of Game of Thrones or a whole day to download a 780mb movie, blazingly fast.

4. Climate Change Abolished — Climate change will no longer exist under an Abbott leadership. He has plans to completely abolish climate change for good by putting it on a boat and sending it back to where it came from!

5. Stop The Boats — WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Mr Abbott is vowing to save us from the perils of those evil and desperate asylum seekers coming here to steal our women and our jobs! His plan is simple, if a boat comes into Australian waters, they’ll sink it as fast as possible before any witnesses are able to see it. Eventually once the bodies wash up onto the shore, Abbott will say sorry and all will be well.

6. Women’s Voting Rights Revoked — Women don’t need to vote, they just need to cook, clean, have children and ensure their husbands dinner is hot and ready when he gets home. Abbott is a firm believer that women have such low IQ’s that they don’t need to vote and are better suited for working in the kitchen anyway. “I think I speak on behalf of every woman when I say they don’t even want to vote anyway!”

7. Increasing The Gender Salary Gap — Mr Abbott will increase the salaries of all males in the work force and to fund this he will simply lower the salaries of all females into the work force. Abbott’s stance is that men are harder workers and providers of the family, while women are more suited for the kitchen and having children.

8. Sunday Church Service is Mandatory — Under an Abbott led Government, attending catholic church on a Sunday will be mandatory in an attempt to educate people on the evils of condoms and the even more evil same sex marriage issue. Not Catholic? Too bad, you have to attend anyway.

9. Abortion Outlawed — Under an Abbott led Government, abortion would unanimously ruled illegal aligning with his extreme religious Catholic views. If you get raped, you will be forced to keep the baby because in Abbott’s eyes it’s your fault you were raped in the first place.

10. Carbon Taxed Scrapped, Prices Keep Rising — Abbott loves playing on the stupidity of the Australian public by touting he will scrap the carbon tax. People hear scrap and tax and think that’s a good thing, scrapping the tax won’t reduce electricity costs like people think it will. The carbon tax makes up a very small percentage of electricity prices. A scrapped carbon tax means less investment in renewable energy, but being the devout Catholic he is, Abbott believes that using renewable energy is taking advantage of God.