There are many things in this world you should never combine; milk and orange juice should never be combined, and in the world of music Lou Reed and Metallica should never be combined. Somewhere along the line Metallica and Lou Reed decided it would be fun to do an album together, a bad combination like milk and orange juice that will give you pains in parts of your body you never knew existed. Lulu is an unholy combination of which no words can truly describe how bad it is.
Lulu is a concept album written by a 69 year old man who is singing from the point of view of a young female prostitute, that one statement pretty much sums this entire album up. Creepy. What kind of 69 year old man sings from the point of view of a young female prostitute? Read on if you can be bothered to know more.
One of the most what the fuck moments on Lulu is the track, Mistress Dread which should have been named Mistress WTF? is one of the worse tracks I have ever heard from any band. Starting off as a thrash song that would have so much more potential if Lou Reed’s horrible off-key voice wasn’t a part of, it then goes downhill really fast. It’s like a train carrying orphanage kids derailing and killing everyone inside on Christmas day.
One of the only decent tracks on Lulu is Little Dog perhaps due to the fact it’s just acoustic guitar and Lou Reed. A combination that works best with Lou Reed’s style and voice. One song out of ten I am afraid is nothing to go bragging about. This album is incoherent, all over the place and above all weird. I’m sure if I popped a couple of tabs of acid before listening to Lulu it would be much more enjoyable. Track number 7 sums this album up quite well, “frustration” because that’s what Lulu is, too many minutes of frustration and disbelief.
The guitar riffs in a lot of the songs sound like rehashed riffs from previous Metallica songs, although to Metallica’s credit the instrumentation component of the album isn’t the weak part it’s perhaps the strongest component of this weird combination. The album artwork for Lulu is even weird and non-inspiring, I’m starting to think that Lulu is actually a joke. That Metallica and Lou did a whole bunch of drugs and recorded this without actually realising what they were doing.
The sickening and sad thing about Lulu is not the horrible composed, written and recorded music on the album, but the fact that Metallica know people will buy this garbage still because of who they are, well more-so now who they were because Metallica have now hit rock bottom, they’re officially nothing in a lot of peoples eyes. The same eyes that Metallica and Lou Reed have simultaneously spat into while lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills.
Even though Lulu is a horrible album, to its credit it still sounds way better than anything on St. Anger, but that really isn’t saying much. The whole time I was listening to this album I kept hoping that I would wake up from whatever lucid nightmare I was having, hoping that all of this isn’t real. Lulu is really happening, it’s actually happening and it scares me. Cliff Burton is currently rolling in his grave and no doubt planning on coming back from the dead to eat whatever is left of James, Lars and Kirk’s brains.
If you think you can handle it, listen to 30 track previews of the album below. The album is also streaming in full on their official site if you think you can swallow the stomach churning combination of orange juice (Loud Reed) and milk (Metallica).
Rating: 1 out of 10.